


The Hands-On Approach to Eldern Artefacts

by misura



Category: Gentleman Bastard Sequence - Scott Lynch
Genre: M/M, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-31 03:03:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12666936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: "Remember how that guy calling himself Tavrin Callas warned us we might find some really fucking strange things in here?" Locke summoned his second-best smile, the one that said the situation was wholly and entirely under control. "I think I just found one. Or became one, rather."





	The Hands-On Approach to Eldern Artefacts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sath/gifts).



> have a Jean/Locke xeno treat, because I couldn't help myself?

Locke stared down at himself.

Jean, thankfully, was still busy with whatever it was he had found in the locked chest that hadn't really been a chest - or locked in the usual sense of the word, involving things like keys or, for their sort of people, lock picks.

"Jean." _Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't -_ "Remember how that guy calling himself Tavrin Callas warned us we might find some really fucking strange things in here?"

Jean turned.

Locke summoned his second-best smile, the one that said the situation was wholly and entirely under control. "I think I just found one. Or became one, rather."

"All right," said Jean. "I suppose that if we're going to start using scientific terms 'really fucking strange' just about covers it. How do you feel?"

"Obviously, I feel great," said Locke.

"Huh." Jean looked as if he actually believed that - or more accurately: as if he wasn't hearing a word Locke was saying. Not that Locke could think of anything even remotely useful to say.

"Would you like me to pull up my breeches again, or would you prefer looking at a bit longer? Perhaps you would enjoy examining it up close?"

Jean blinked. "Um," he said.

 _Must I provide_ all _intelligent and witty conversation around here?_ "Please. Dazzle me with your intellectual analysis of the situation."

"Well," said Jean.

Locke wanted to scream. " _Jean._ "

"I suppose it's a good thing you weren't using it that much, anyway."

"Your calmth in the face of me being half-turned into some Eldren abomination is doing wonders for my mood. Thanks. I was a bit worried there for a moment, but you know just what to say to help me put things in perspective. Why, I feel positively serene. Peaceful."

Jean shrugged. Locke noticed his face was a trifle pale, at least. "This sort of thing really is more your area of expertise, isn't it?"

"You mean I'm the one who suggested we go poke around these ruins, looking for trouble."

Jean shrugged again.

"Oh," said Locke. "You meant that other thing. Sorry to disappoint, but it really doesn't work like that. And even if it did, I'm not sure - why would anyone deliberately do this to themselves? For fun? Mind," he added, "I'm not sure that I'd consider it a punishment, either. It's just ... weird, is all."

"Do you _want_ me to try touching it?"

Locke bit down on his first reply, reminding himself that it really wasn't Jean's fault that they - well, _he_ had ended up in these current circumstances. "Do I usually want your hands anywhere near my cock?"

"On the one hand, I'm fairly sure that I would have remembered the occasion if you had," said Jean. "On the other hand, I'm not sure that I'd qualify the present situation as 'usual'."

"Point taken." Locke forced himself to take a few calm, deep breaths. It occurred to him that as yet, he had no idea what had triggered the change. True, he'd touched a few things here and there, but even with the benefit of hindsight, nothing that jumped out at him as practically having had written 'Ancient Eldren Artifact: Touch Me and Have Your Cock Turned Into Something Really Fucking Strange' all over it. _Of course, who knows what would have been strange to the Eldren?_

"Maybe it will wear off by itself," Jean said.

"When have we ever been that lucky?" asked Locke.

"When have you ever - " Jean gestured. "I'm just saying, perhaps we shouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. Give it a few days. See what happens."

"Yes. I might transform all the way. What a cheerful idea. Tell me, Jean, will you still love me when I look like something that should be haunting the Sea of Brass?"

"I'm none too fond of you now," said Jean. "What makes you think I'd like you any better if you looked differently?"

"The fact that I'm an incurable optimist?" Locke sighed. He really didn't _feel_ any different. Perversely, he found that realization more unsettling than anything else. At least if he'd suddenly experienced a desire to run around naked or developed a craving for human flesh or something, he'd have something to do - something concrete to suppress and grab a hold of.

Instead, all he had was - _huh. That feels pretty damn good._

"Locke?" Jean's expression was a little wary and a little ... something else. "I'm not sure - "

"Um." Locke guiltily pulled away his hand. "Yes. Probably not my most brilliant idea."

"Probably not."

"Then again, what's the worst that could happen? I mean, it's there. Maybe - " Locke swallowed.

"I'm not leaving you here by yourself," said Jean. "And I'm not going to stand around here watching, either. I vote we get out of here while we still can. The ship should still be where we left it. Who knows, we might run into Tavrin again, see what he has to say about the whole thing."

"Somehow, I don't expect we'll be seeing Master Callas again. Not the real one, anyway. Assuming such a person even exists."

Jean scowled. "I _told_ you we should have grabbed that slippery bastard when we had him in reach. But no, you didn't want to make a scene. And now look where your sensitivity got us."

"We've gotten out of worse. Hey, at least neither of us is dying. Plus, like you said, it's not as if there's anyone out there who's going to mind. I keep my breeches on, no one's even going to notice."

"If that's your incurable optimism talking, it makes even less sense than the usual Locke," said Jean.

_Excuse me for trying to keep from freaking out because part of my anatomy no longer looks even remotely human. And also, fuck you._

"Look, we already paid a small fortune to get here. Why not make the most of the opportunity? You really want to run out of here empty-handed, with nothing to show for our trouble but seven months wasted on preparations?"

"You really want to stick around and see if you can fuck up the situation even more?"

"This is me, remember?" Locke said. "It goes without saying that I can fuck up any given situation even more. Often as not, without even trying. It's one of my many talents, like being charming and making people love me wherever I go." _Right before they change their minds and decide they want to kill me instead._

Jean sighed. He looked deeply unhappy, but willing to listen to reason, for the moment.

"I agree with you that splitting up would be a dumb idea. I also agree that watching another man while he's - well, that's not exactly my idea of a good time, either." _Unless, maybe it's you, but let's not go there._ "So let me repeat my earlier question: do you want to help me out here?"

"We're in the middle of a place that's several kinds of weird, not to say cursed and possibly haunted, from which very few people, if any, have ever returned with their sanity still intact. Does this strike you as the most suitable location to make a pass at me?"

"Sounds pretty damn ideal, actually," said Locke. "I mean, you say 'no', I can just blame it on the environment. The atmosphere. The strange, Eldern air. Who knows what sort of shit we've been breathing in all this time? Plenty of stuff to excuse a momentary lapse in judgment and good taste."

Jean rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just be aware that if my hand turns into a tentacle or something - "

"What?"

"My reach will be even greater than it already was. Although I suppose something like that might be harder to cover up than your Eldren cock. And I'm not entirely sure I'd be able to get a good grip."

 _Gods above._ "For now, at least, I can assure you there's absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever with your grip. Just - like that, yes."


End file.
